


Conversations With A Hat

by 1_The_Purple_Donkey_1



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, well attempted humor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-22
Updated: 2013-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-24 07:45:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/937385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1_The_Purple_Donkey_1/pseuds/1_The_Purple_Donkey_1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Sorting Hat and conversations with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Albus Dumbledore

"Dumbledore, Albus" The young boy stepped up to the platform that held a simple wooden stool and a raggedy hat. Professor Snaps, the herbology teacher, placed the hat onto the young boys head.

_"Hmmm, where to place you? Oh, you have the qualities of all the founders, and you would do well in all of the houses. Oh, where oh where to put you?_

_"You have brains galore and would do well in Ravenclaw. But you also have bravery, oh, bravery in bounds. Gryffindor would shape you well. You also have a darker side to you. You seek to be known, to make a name for yourself. Slytherine would foster this trait. Where oh where to place you?_

_"But I can see, the cunning and slyness that is you soul. And because of this it must be Slyth..."_

"Imperious" The young boy whispered silently. The tip of his wand, tucked up his long selves shone brightly. But nobody in the massive great hall noticed. "You will place me with the lions, in Gryffindor. I will not tolerate being a snake. Now say it!" The young boy whispered to the hat. "GRYFFINDOR!" the hat screamed. The boy quickly whipped the hat of his head and trotted to the Gryffindor table.


	2. Minerva Mcgonagall

"Mcgonagall,Minerva" A short plump witch called. In one hand she held a scroll of parchment, in the other she held a tattered looking wizard's hat.

A short girl of eleven timidly walked forward. She had long brown hair and brown eyes that were framed by glasses. She steped up onto the stage that held the witch and a wooden stool. The witch plopped the hat on the child's head.

" _Ah, a Mcgonagall, it has been a while since I have sorted one of your clan. I remember sorting your grandmother! She was a tough one to place, so smart and brave, but her brain won out in the end. And Ravenclaw rejoiced with her in their house, I do believe that there are still some academic records held by her._

" _But, back you. You are much like your grandmother, smart and brave. But you are not her. You have a trait that she never did._

" _Right now you are but a kitten, but you will mature into a full grown lioness."_

" _Excuse me, Mr. Hat, but what do you mean?"_ the little witch silently asked the hat.

" _You will find out in due time, my dear. But for now..._

Gryffindor!" 


	3. Fire Whiskey, The Hat, and Fawkes

The glorious circular office hadn't seen it's master, Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts, for nearly two weeks now. He had been dealing with top secret Order business that required his attention. Unfortunately, his absence left two two rather intelligent beings alone with nothing to do. These beings were the headmasters familiar, the magnificent Phoenix Fawkes, and the ancient magical artifact known as the sorting hat. Both of these individuals were very intelligent and highly magical being were bored. And boredom does not mix well with magic and intelligence.

"Bird, I am bored, any ideas that would liven up this musty old office?" The ancient hat spoke to the magnificent red and gold bird. "Cooo" the bird answered (the hat, being a magical being capable of telepathic speech, understood the bird even if others only heard nonsensical coooing.). The hat understood this coo to mean *Yes, I do have some ideas*.

"Well then bird, what are they? Eh? And can you get me off of this damm shelf? I grow tired of the same view day after day."

In response the bird flapped his glorious long wings, taking flight. It flew over to the mahogany shelf where the hat rested and plucked it up. Hat tightly gripped in claws, it flew to the matching mahogany desk, depositing it there.

"Coooo, cooo co" the bird tweeted. The hat understood that the bird was saying *Ya, the old coot has a store of firewhiskey in the cabinet! Let's get drunk!*

"Excellent idea bird! Bring on the cheers!"

Two hours later the headmaster arrived, at long last, back to his beloved school. His mission had been long and hard, and he was looking forward to a nice, cold glass of firewhiskey. He had a bottle of Merlin's Finest firewhiskey bottled in 1896. It would be simply decadent, having matured for so long.

As he walked up the spiral stairs to his office he heard a strange sound. It sounded like a cat was dying and a madman singing at the same time. He quickly whipped his wand out and trained it at the door, ready for anything.

"ALOHOMORA" he shouted, and the door flew open. And inside he found...

His familiar and the ancient sorting hat, perched on his fine desk with his bottle of fine firewhiskey, empty he noted, lying on it's side between the two. The sound he had heard was his bird trilling and the hat singing the ridiculous drunkard song "Odo's Hero".

"And Odooooo the heroooooo, they boooore him *hic* back hooome

Toooo the place that he'd *belch* known as a l-l-lad,

Tay laid him toooo rest with his haaaat inside oooout- how r-r-rude! Miztratmant to *Burp* haaats! Soo unnessidary!

And his wand snapped in twoooo, which was sad. NOT"

The headmaster slowly shook his head as he closed the door. He would just leave those two alone for now. As he wandered down the stairs, he pondered if Snape would let him borrow some of his whiskey stash, the man was mighty protective of his booze after all.

 


	4. Harry Potter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What Harry really stands for....

Harry stood in a line of nervous first year witches and wizards at the Hogwarts academy of wizardry, awaiting to be sorted by the magical sorting hat. He was very nervous- what if the hat didn't place him? What if they sent him home? Or worse, what if professor Mcgonagal, the person anouncing the students names when they were to be sorted, said his whole name!

The girl in front of him, Poll, Alexis, was called and quickly sorted in to Ravenclaw.

Harry gulped. He was up.  _Please don't say my name, please don't say my_ he chanted in his head.

"Potter, Harr...Harriett?" the professor called.

He gulped as he walked up to the hat and muttered "Emmm, Mum was so sure that she was having a girl". The whole student body laughed at the now red faced harry.


	5. Fred Weasley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fred tricks the hat...

"Weasley, Fred" Mcgonogall read from piece of parchment. The young red headed boy with freckles walked up to the platform and took a seat on the rickety wooden stool. A tattered old hat was placed upon his noggin.

" _Ah, ANOTHER Weasley. When will this end. Which one are you now? Fred, ah, yes."_

" _Nope" Fred thought with a sly grin on his face._

" _What! Of course you are Fred, I can see everything in here, every little thought. You are Fred!"_

" _Sorry. Not Fred"_

" _Then who are you! I have never been wrong about a person's identity before! Why now?"_

" _I'm George. Honestly, Can't ANYBODY tell us apart? Fred and George. Forge and Gred. Whatever you call us, just get it straight!"_

" _I apologize, George. Now where to put you..."_

" _Ahh that's OK hat. We all know where you are going to put me, now don't we?"_

" _Yes, Gryffindor, just like the rest of your family...So..._ Gryffindor!" the hat yelled out loud.

" _One last thing hat, I AM Fred."_ He walked away, chuckling. He hat pulled one over, on a hat.


	6. Severus Snape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> poor Severus....

A young boy with long, greasy black hair watched in awe as his fellow classmates were sorted into the houses they would reside in for the next seven years. Within these houses, friendships would be forged, relationships wrought, and futures built. The house you were placed in would determine who your enemies would be and who your friends were. Slytherins hated the Gryffindors, Ravenclaws the Hufflepuffs. His mother had been a Hufflepuff, but Sev hoped to be placed in Gryffindor. You see, his only friend in the world, muggle born Lilly Evans, had been sorted into Gryffindor only moments ago.

"Snape, Severus." Proffessor Mcgonagall called out and the young Severus walked to the platform and put the ancient sorting hat onto his head.

" _Ahhh, Elieen Prince's son. You are nothing like her, I can see. Yet you love her with all of your heart. You are loyal to those you love and have bravery in your heart. Gryffindor traits, those are. Yes, I know of you'r desire to be placed there young mister Snape. And I must admit, Gryffindor would do great things for you."_

" _So-so, am I going to be in Gryffindor then?"_ the young boy questioned the hat in his mind.

" _Well, no-"_

" _WHAT! But you said-"_ the boy mentally screamed at the hat.

" _Let me finish a sentence. Gryffindor would do great things for you, but you would not do great things. In Slytherin, you would do great things."_

" _That's fine! I don't care if I do great things! Just please, put me with Lilly!_ Please _!"_ The boy begged to the hat.

" _Sorry, my boy, but it must be_...Slytherin!"


End file.
